One Piece messed up fairy tales
by Wishing-for-a-Zoro-plushie
Summary: Meh, felt like doing something silly and ridiculous. He he, hope its funny. Enjoy! Oh, and I think there is swearing... yeah, there's swearing. Umm, no pairings, just poking fun at pairings people make up. So, yeah. Chappie 4 is up!Yay!
1. Little red riding Luffy

**Whee, I wanted to do a cracked up fairytale with these characters for a while. Hope it turned out all right. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except my dog. Isn't that wonderful? No, seriously, my puppy is a menace. He has teeth like a pirahna! Somebody help me!  
**

**Zoro: **-Whacks Plushie over the head- Get over it for christ's sake and get on with the story.

**Plushie: **...owie.

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_**Little red riding… Luffy?**_

Once upon a time, in the woods that no one seems to know, a little boy wearing a red hooded jumper began skipping down a long and winding road. He had a basket hooked over his right arm and was humming a jaunty tune. He was known as… little red riding Luffy.

**Luffy: **Why am I skipping?

**Usopp: **Just hush and wait and see what happens.

So, the little boy had dark black hair and bright innocent eyes.

"Off to see grandma and give her some cakes! Yay!" he cried as he skipped.

**Luffy: **CAKE? When do I get to eat it?

**Zoro: **… you don't. Now shutup.

**Luffy: **Zoro, you're so mean.

**Zoro: **Shut. Up.

So, little red riding Luffy skipped along the path happily, before he saw a large tree and decided to take a short rest.

"Ah, the day is so nice. Grandma won't mind if I have one cake." and so, Luffy took one out, unwrapped it and then took a bite.

**Luffy: **Ha! See Zoro! I **do **get cake!

**Zoro: **… Woopee for you.

"Mmm, these are really yummy! Grandma would be angry if I ate them all though." and so, Luffy stood from his spot, brushed the crumbs from his shirt and then began skipping along the path again. But, little did little red riding Luffy know, that hiding in the bushes, was a big, green haired wolf!

**Zoro: **Hey, I'm a wolf! Ha ha! Wait… WHAT? Why the hell am I the wolf?

**Sanji: **Because you're the ugliest looking fuck here.

**Zoro: **… asshole.

"Why hello there little miss, er, mr riding hood." the wolf said in a sugary sweet voice as he jumped from the bushes. Luffy paused and then grinned.

"Hello! Who are you?"

"I am Zoro the wolf! I was just wondering, where are you going with that basket of sweets?"

"To my grandma's! She loves sweets!"

"Oh."

**Zoro: **Stupid Luffy, it's obvious the wolf is gonna eat him.

**Sanji: **Oh yeah, you'd love that wouldn't you?

**Zoro: **Well, where the fuck is your role in this story? You're probably the grandma!

**Sanji: **At least I'm not a fugly wolf!

**Nami: **Both of you quit it! We're trying to do a story here!

"Well, little red riding Luffy. There is a field of flowers just beyond those tress. Why don't you go and pick some for your grandma?"

"Nah, she wouldn't be able to see them with those glasses of hers."

"Oh, I'm sure she would be able to smell them. They are quite potent."

"No."

"Go and get some flowers! Now!"

"Okay okay, sheesh." and little red riding Luffy skipped off towards the field where the flowers were.

**Luffy: **Once again, why do I skip?

**Usopp: **Because the author made it that way. You skip around anyway.

**Luffy: **I do not!

**Nami: **Please excuse this interruption.

---Luffy and Usopp are temporarily out of service due to continued bludgeoning by a very grumpy orange haired thief. We apologise for the inconvenience.---

"Now, while that little pest is out picking flowers like the pansy he is, I am gonna go to the house and have a little snack." the wolf said before turning and galloping towards the little cottage.

**Author: **Zoro! Stop messing with the damn script!

**Zoro: **Make me.

**Author: **Do you really want me to take you up on that threat?

**Zoro: **err…no. Sorry. Luffy's not a pansy.

**Author: **Good. Now, back to the story… again.

And so the wolf galloped to the house and knocked on the flower framed little wooden door.

"Who is it?" a sweet, croaky voice said from inside.

"Let me in or I'll huff and I'll puff-

**Sanji: **Wrong story moron.

**Zoro: **Wtf?-looks at script- Oh, right. Sorry bout that.

"It is I. Little red riding … Luffy." the wolf replied in a higher pitched voice and there was a moment of silence before the door opened and a small woman peeked out, greying orange hair falling across the wire rimmed glasses that framed her face.

**Nami: **WHAT? _I'm _the grandma! You have gotta be kidding me!

**Zoro and Luffy: **ha ha. We had to look like idiots, so you do too.

**Sanji: **Nami is not old at all! She is gorgeous even with glasses and greying hair.

**Nami: **Sanji…

---Once again, due to continued bludgeoning by a very angry and unhappy navigator, Sanji is unable to participate in this scene. Sorry for the inconvenience---

"Oh, little red riding Luffy. Please come in my dear." and the elderly woman stepped back, allowing the green wolf to get in.

"Uh, where's my money?" the elderly woman asked.

"…money?" 

"Yes, you have to give me twenty silver pieces when you visit me."

"…uh."

**Author: **Nami… I will make you even older if you screw with the script again.

**Nami: **Fine…

"Oh my dear, I am just having a little joke. Please come in." and the little woman stood out of the way. The wolf, having not eaten in over a week and a half, dived on the granny and swallowed her whole.

**Sanji: **You pig Zoro.

**Zoro: **… ew, that was gross.

Hurriedly, the wolf grabbed a nightgown from the cupboard and a nightcap from the side of the bed before jumping into it and waiting patiently for little red riding Luffy.

Luffy skipped along the path-

**Luffy: **Please, can I not skip for once? How about I run?

**Author: **Argh, fine.

Luffy ran along the road, realising that he was late to meet his grandmother and he knew how she hated him being late. Stopping at the little cottage, he knocked on the door.

"Come in!" a voice called in a high, squeaky voice.

**Zoro: **I can't do high and squeaky.

**Sanji: **-kicks Zoro between the legs- Can you now?

**Zoro: **…ow

Luffy opened the door and walked in, loving the feel of the little cottage around him. It was so pretty, and warm. Walking into the bedroom, he saw his 'grandma' lying in the bed, the covers pulled up to her chin.

"Hello grandma. How are you today? I bought you some sweets." Luffy said and held up the basket.

"Oh my, thankyou dear child." the wolf in disguise replied.

"Are you okay grandma, you seem to have a higher voice than normal."

"Uh… frog in my throat."

"Oh… well, I brought some cakes, and… my grandma, what big eyes you have, bigger than usual I mean."

"Uh… all the better to see you with my dear."

"Oh… my grandma, what a hairy chin you have."

"All the better to he- hang on, what?"

**Luffy: **Sanji put me up to it!

**Zoro: **Sanji you bastard!

**Sanji: **Heh heh heh.

**Author: **Sanji… don't screw with the script, or I will exclude you from this story.

**Sanji: **Damnit. Fine.

"My my grandma, what big ears you have."

"All the better to hear you with my dear."

"My grandma… what big teeth you have."

"All the better to eat you with!" and the wolf leapt from the bed and ran after Luffy, devouring the small boy in one gulp.

**Zoro: **I'm gonna be sick.

**Sanji: **Geeze, eating Nami-san wasn't enough, you just had to go and eat Luffy as well.

**Zoro: **Fuck up. The author made me do it.

**Author: **It's how the story goes you idiots, now shutup!

The wolf began to lick his fingers and then started as a knock was heard from outside.

"Grandma? It's me, the woodsman. I was cutting wood nearby and heard a funny noise. Are you okay?"

"Uh… uh, yeah! I'm fine!" and the wolf looked desperately for an escape, but he was too fat to fit out any of the windows and the only door was the one the woodsman was at.

**Sanji: **Zoro just gained twenty pounds. Heh heh heh.

**Zoro: **I did not! It's in the story.

**Sanji: **I'm sure it is. So then, why are Luffy and Nami both gone?

**Zoro: **O.O … crap.

"Okay, granny, I'm coming in. I just want to see if you are okay. Alright?" the woodsman asked.

"Uh… uh, no, I have a terrible cold, wouldn't want you to catch it!"

"But, there is a terrible green ugly wolf on the prowl and I'd hate to see you get eaten."

"Uh… the wolf is heard to be no where near here."

"He was last seen here. Of course he's around, now, I'm coming in!" and the door opened, revealing a tall man with blonde hair and a swirly eyebrow. He was wearing a vest and dark pants and had an axe in his hand. He blinked as he walked into the room and then frowned upon seeing the very fat, very scared, wolf.

**Zoro: **The wolf was not scared!

**Sanji: **Yay! I save Nami-san!

**Zoro: **Idiot.

The woodsman lunged forward, but couldn't grab the wolf, who, although he was still very fat, was able to get out of the way in time.

"Stupid marimo wolf. Get in here apprentice!" the woodsman yelled as the wolf growled at him. A small boy ran in, curly black hair falling around his face which was broken up by a very long nose.

"Sorry master. I was just sketching the birds." the boy replied.

**Usopp: **Yay! I'm in the story!

**Sanji: **You are aware that there was no such thing as the woodsman's apprentice. Right?

**Usopp: **Who cares? At least I am in the story.

"Right. Well, help me get this ugly looking wolf!"

"Of course master." and together, the two finally managed to get the wolf and cut him open to reveal the granny and little red riding Luffy alive.

**Nami and Luffy: **Yay! Alive!

"Oh, thankyou for saving us young man. That was very heroic of you." the granny said as she was helped out.

"Anything for you!" the woodsman replied and then was magically hit over the head by a mallet, "I mean, of course. It was my pleasure. And little red riding Luffy, glad you're okay too."

"Thankyou woodsman!"

**Zoro: **Is the wolf dead?

**Luffy, Nami, Sanji and Usopp: **Yes.

**Zoro: **Damn.

And so, little red riding Luffy, and his grandmother, the woodsman and his apprentice, lived happily ever after.

The end.

---Next time, on One Piece's messed up fairytales---

---Sleeping Beauty---

**Sanji: **Am I the hero in this too?

**Author: **No, you're the king, and Usopp's the queen.

**Usopp: **That sounded wrong on so many levels.

**Sanji: -**faints in a horrified fit-

**Nami: **Who am I?

**Author: **The wicked fairy of course.

**Nami: **OO Greeeeat.

**Luffy: **And me?

**Author: **Sleeping beauty of course, and Zoro's your prince!

**Zoro: **OO No, no way. I am **not **kissing Luffy!

**Author: **Oh yes you are. You're the only one who has a sword, three in fact, so, you have to be the prince and Luffy is the only one who fit's the role of sleeping beauty.

**Luffy: **… Do I get meat if I play this role?

**Author: **uhhh, of course! ;

**Luffy: **Okay, Zoro, you have to kiss me! Just pretend you were kissing your swords like I saw you do yesterday!

**Zoro: **-faints-

**Luffy: **Zoro? Zorooooo?

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**Well, what did you all think? Please don't tell me I'm insane, because, my friend tells me that often enough. Right Shiruji? -pokes- Shirujiiiiii? -pokes again-**

**I think she's ignoring me. -shrugs- oh well. And Yes! There is more wacky fairy tales to come. Give me your suggestions of what fairytales you would like, and I shall do them! Because they are easy, and they kill my writer's block, which tends to kick me in the head whenever I am trying to write a proper story. -.-;**


	2. Sleeping Beauty

**I am so so so so so sorry about the wait on this story, but, I hope I can make up for it with this chapter. -cries- I am really truly sorry. I have been so lazy. **

_**Sleeping beauty**_

Once upon a time, there was a large castle in the middle of a small town. It was a beautiful castle and had many turrets and towers. Living in the castle, was the king and queen obviously. Everyone thought the King was a brave, smart, and gorgeous person.

**Sanji: **Hell yeah!

**Zoro: **Oh shut up and let the Author continue you ugly bastard.

**Sanji: **Were you not listening? The Author just said I was gorgeous.

**Author: **Sanji… I was catering to the needs of the small group of Sanji fans out there. That's all.

**Sanji: **Ah but there are fans.

**Luffy: **Shut up! I wanna hear the rest of the story!

The king's queen was a lovely woman, with long, curly brown hair. She was the envy of every woman in the town.

**Usopp: **Why me?

**Nami: **Because, you have such lovely hair Usopp.

**Usopp: **Oh, you think so?

**Nami: **Uh huh. Now shut up.

It was a bright day when the queen had wonderful news for her king. She raced through the corridors, her skirts and robes flying behind her in a rainbow of colours.

"Your highness! Your highness!" she cried as she burst in through the door. The King turned from his map and smiled, the lock of blonde hair across his left eye twitching ever so slightly as he gazed at his bride.

**Usopp: **Oh this is so wrong. Someone help!

**Sanji: **You said it.

**Zoro: **Heh heh heh, Sanji's gay.

**Sanji: **If you haven't noticed shit head, it is clearly said that Usopp is a girl in this story.

**Usopp: **Yeah… hey! Why do I have to be a girl? TT

**Zoro: **Oh stop crying Usopp. It's not that bad and it _is _only a story.

"What is it my sweet?" The king asked. The queen paused, her hair falling around her face.

"We are going to have a child!" she announced. The King paused.

"Oh my dear!" and he hugged her and leant in to ki-

**Sanji: **Don't even go there.

**Usopp: **-Whimpers in a frightened manner-

**Author: **Cowards…

- and pressed his forehead against hers.

"We shall have a grand party when it is born!" the King announced. The queen smiled.

"We shall invite the fairies and everyone in the land." she replied.

The baby was born and it turned out to be a little boy, with hair as dark as night and wide, brown eyes.

**Luffy: **Yay! That's me! Sanji's my dad!

**Sanji: **Like hell! Little bastard.

**Luffy: **Awww…

And the entire palace was invited as the queen had said. The three fairies were there and each of them bestowed a gift to the child. The first fairy bestowed the gift of beauty on the child.

The second fairy gave the child the gift of goodness, and the third fairy gave the child the gift of gracefulness. But, in the excitement, the king and queen had forgotten to invite the fourth fairy, the wicked fairy.

**Nami: **Oh great. That's me. Don't I feel privileged.

**Sanji: **Nami, you look like a swan no matter what part you play!

**Nami: **Thankyou Sanji.

**Luffy, Usopp and Zoro: **-snort-

The wicked fairy cast a spell on the child as revenge against the royalty.

**Luffy: **AH! A spell!

**Author: **Will you shut up already! I can't type three damn lines without you interrupting!

**Luffy: **… sorry.

**Zoro: **Cranky Author.

**Author: **-.-;

"On the eve of the gir- err, boy's fifteenth birthday-"

**Luffy: **Hang on, I'm seventeen.

**Author: **Hmmm… okay, we'll make it eighteenth.

"On the eve of the boy's eighteenth birthday, he will prick his finger on a spinning wheel and fall into a deep sleep. The rest of the kingdom will be doomed to this fate as well. The spell can't be broken... so get over it!" the wicked fairy cried and then laughed maniacally.

**Zoro: **Isn't the child supposed to die, and then the fairy says that she can lift the curse only a little to make it so the child will fall into a sleep?

**Author: **O.O How the hell do _you _know that?

**Zoro: **I uh, well, I heard it somewhere…

**Nami: **Is that it? Are we changing the script any more?

**Zoro: **Do you always have to complain?

**Nami: **-glares- do you wish to have a spell cast on you as well? A spell known as, 'You owe me lots, and lots of money'.

**Zoro: **Again!? I owed you money last week!

**Nami: **And now you owe me more… deal with it.

And so the curse was done.

The years went by and the king banished all the spinning wheels from the country so his son would not meet the awful fate the fairy had predicted.

**Sanji: **I'm such a nice guy.

**Usopp: **-is unable to talk due to extensive embarrassment damage-

**Author: **Usopp? -pokes- Hey, you okay?

**Usopp: **Eeeeehhh. -falls over-

**Author: **Oh dear. I think I killed him.

**Luffy: **-leans over and looks- Meh, now I have to find a new marksman.

Over the years, the kingdom forgot about the evil fairy's curse and it came to the morning of the boy's birthday. He was walking through the castle's large corridor when he found a door he had never seen before. Tilting his head to the side, he walked up to it… and straight into it.

**Zoro: **Ahahaha, not too bright.

**Luffy: **-raised eyebrow- at least I can find my way around the castle.

**Zoro: **I'm not even in the story yet, and I dread the moment when I do turn up.

"Ow." the prince muttered before placing a hand against it and pushing it open. Behind it was a large and winding staircase. The prince moved up the stairs and found another door which was slightly ajar.

"Ohhh, so cool." and he opened it and moved inside. Sitting in the chair was a man with bright red hair and a straw hat. He only had one arm, but hey, he could still spin pretty damn good without it.

**Shanks: **Ha, it's me! I'm in the story too!

**Sanji: **You're… not afraid of what the Author is going to do to you?

**Shanks: **Not really. I'm not a coward.

**Author: **Seeee? At least someone agrees with me. Thankyou Shanks, here's the money I promised you.

**Shanks: **Wheee!

"Hello there my boy!" the man cried and grinned brightly at the prince.

"Hi!" and the boy bounced over, "What are you doing?"

"Why, I'm spinning. Haven't you ever heard of that?"

"Nope! Dad sent all the spinny-thingy's away. So, how do ya do it?"

"Well, come here and I'll show you." and the prince sat down next to the man and began spinning.

**Luffy: **Do I prick my finger now?

**Author: **Yes!

**Sanji and Zoro: **Dumbass…

The prince was having a wonderful time, and he managed to spin a lot of wool but, before he even realized what had happened… blood had begun forming in a small drop on his forefinger. The boy… had pricked his finger.

"Ohh, bugger that. Should get the nurse to have a look at that. Anyway, I'll see ya around!" and he jumped out the window.

**Shanks: **Holy shit!

**Nami: **Oh great, the Author just killed Luffy's mentor.

**Luffy: **SHANKS! -glares at Author-

**Author: **Oh crap. Wait wait wait! See, he's alive! -points at Shanks standing on a boat and sailing out to sea-

**Luffy: **Oh, okay. -grins-

The man escaped and the prince frowned before heading down the stairs. He was hit by a wave of dizziness as he was walking down the stairs. Instead of going to the nurse, Prince Luffy went to his bedroom and lay down, falling asleep instantly.

All over the castle, people began falling asleep. The maid fell asleep while mopping and therefore her head ended up in the bucket, but she didn't drown. No one ever dies in fairy tales.

**Zoro: **What!? You mean Nami doesn't die when I save Luffy!?

**Author: **Nope. She just cries and goes back to her little hidey hole. -grins-

**Zoro: **This story is rigged.

**Author: **): (

**Zoro: **Err…

The King and Queen fell asleep on their thrones, the crowns slipping from their heads and falling to the floor. Butlers, tailors, chefs… every person in the whole castle goddamnit! Blah blah blah, hundred years pass, roses grow out of control, yippee whippee.

**Nami: **You're not very descriptive tonight, are you?

**Author: **Nope. -grin-

So, here comes the prince, riding along on his trusty steed, Chopper.

**Chopper: **Baka! That _really _doesn't make me happy!

**Author: **-cheeky giggle-

Prince Zoro, riding along on his trusty steed, singing-

**Zoro: **I don't sing.

**Sanji: **Bullshit, I heard you in the shower!

**Zoro: **-frowns- The hell you doing near the door when I'm having a shower!?

**Sanji: **I could hear you in the goddamn kitchen!

**Author: **It's true Zoro… I have you on tape…

**Zoro: **O.o

… yeah, Prince Zoro, singing a tune about a sailor, and what to do with him on an early morning. He paused as he saw a gigantic wall of roses, and a small hint of grey behind it.

"Hmm…" and jumping off his reindeer, he sauntered over to the roses and raised an eyebrow.

"I shall cut through these roses! Why? Because I can! Ahahaha!" and he slashed through the roses, petals flying everywhere and occasionally, small fairies crying out in pain as they were slaughtered…

**Author: **Damnit Zoro! How many times do I have to tell you not to screw with the script!

**Zoro: **Oh come on, there's gotta be some violence! You let us swear in here…

**Sanji: **God you're a moron.

**Zoro: **And you're a shit head!

**Nami: **SHUT UP! -smacks both in the head-

**Zoro and Sanji: **T.T

Finally, the prince had hacked his way through the roses and managed to find a large wooden, rotting door. With a single touch, the door fell inwards and the prince stepped through. A large castle faced him, vines growing on it's sides and tall trees, dead in the courtyard.

Zoro stepped through, looking around interestedly. He found dogs laying on the ground, their noses and ears covered in spider webs. Horses were asleep in their stables, sheep asleep in the paddock nearby. As he entered the castle, he found a maid asleep in her mop bucket, and he pulled her out. She was snoring gently, and quite alive.

"What the heck is this?" the prince asked as he saw a blonde king, and a brown haired queen, asleep on their thrones. Taking their crowns, he placed them back on their heads again.

**Author: **…wow, more than three sentences and they didn't interrupt.

**Sanji: **there's nothing to object to… although I was sure shit head over there would have thought of something by now. He's probably just waiting excitedly for the part where he gets to kiss Luffy.

**Zoro: **Only the fact that cheese head is in this story, and I would like to say... GO TO HELL SANJI!

**Luffy: **Would Zoro kissing me be counted as yaoi?

**Author: **-puts on a pair of Tashigi's glasses so she looks smart- No. Yaoi is actual gay guys making out, you aren't actually gay. Technically… at least, not in the Manga, Anime or anything else they have made One Piece into… I don't own One Piece!

**Zoro: **You're a sad human being.

**Author: **Yeth, yeth I am.

Making his way further into the castle, Prince Zoro found a large bedchamber, and peeked his head inside.

"Hnh, cute guy lying on the bed." he muttered.

**Author: **Mwahahaha!

**Zoro and Luffy: **HELP!

Zoro approached the bed, carefully, and looked down at the sleeping form of the King's son. Beautiful black hair, hands folded on his chest, and snoring like an old granny.

**Luffy: **Zoro, do I snore?

**Zoro: **How the hell do I know? I'm asleep when you are.

**Luffy: **Oh… yeah.

Leaning down, the prince made to kiss the young boy-

**Zoro: **God, please don't make me do it!

**Author: **_God!_ You're a freaking wimp. Fine!

But instead, kissed him on the forehead, and apparently, there was a flaw in the wicked fairy's plan, for she hadn't specified how the young prince was to be kissed, only that he was to be… well, kissed. And of course, magical noises, sparklies, and all that other shit. The prince wakes up, scares the hell outta Prince Zoro, who runs away like a girl.

**Zoro: **I do not run like a girl!

**Author: **Well, now you do, so stick it! -is grumpy-

The rest of the castle wakes up, thanks Zol that they're alive… and then realizes that their canned food is a hundred years out of date.

**Whole gang: **Curse you wicked fairy!

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**Next time on - One Piece's messed up fairy tales**

_**Hanzel and Gretal**_

**Ace: **Yay! I'm in this one! -grins proudly before falling asleep in his stew… again-

**Luffy: **he he, me too!

**Zoro: **Just tell me I don't have to kiss anyone.

**Author: **Nope. You're just an evil stepmother.

**Zoro: **Oh… that's alright the- Evil stepmother! What the hell?

**Usopp: **Do I get to be male in this one?

**Author: **Yes Zoro, you've got to be a guy in the last two, and now it's your turn to be a girl. And Usopp, you're the axeman. So, you're a guy.

**Usopp: **Yay!

**Zoro: **O.O -dies-

**Sanji: **-snickers evilly-

**Author: **So, join us next time! Oh, and Sanji, you're playing the evil witch who tries to eat them.

**Sanji: **… crap.

**Zoro: **Ha ha!


	3. Hansel and Gretal

**This chappie is dedicated to Clarobell, for sending me one of the nicest birthday cards I have ever gotten! Thanks sweetie! -huggles-**

**disclaimer: I do not own One Piece, Hansel and Gretel, Underworld, Van Helsing or the Wizard of Oz. **

**It also occurred to me that I spelled Hansel and Gretel wrong in the last chappie, so, I have fixed it at the beginning of this one. K? Coolies. Let's move on!**

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_**Hansel and Gretel**_

Near a deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, dee-

**Whole gang: **We get the point!

**Author: **Oh sure, just undermine the author. -frowns-

Anyway, it was a pretty deep forest, and living on the edge of it there was a little cottage. Living in the cottage was a small family. A kind, gentle woodcutter-

**Usopp: **That's me!

His beautiful wife.

**Zoro: **I am not wearing a goddamn pink dress. I am not putting on that blonde wig, and I am not wearing high heels!

**Author: **-sweet smile- Zoro?

**Zoro: **What?

**Author: **Wear. Them. -glares evilly- Or I'll make Usopp kiss you on the cheek.

**Usopp and Zoro: **O.o

The woodcutter's wife was beautiful woman… but she was a very scary woman, and the woodcutter was afraid of her.

**Zoro: **Better believe it.

The two children. An older boy by the name of Ace, and a young girl by the name of Luffy.

**Luffy: **I'm a girl? Ha, cool.

**Ace: **-sigh-

But the sad thing for the family was, they were living through a famine. The evil stepmother, thinking of mainly herself and her husband, decided that the children needed to be gotten rid of.

"We need to get rid of them. They both eat like a couple of horses… the little shits."

**Author: **Goddamn it Zoro!!! -kicks the swordsman out of the story and replaces him with Nami-

**Nami: **Well shit… do I get paid?

**Author: **Yes. -hands over a pile of gold-

**Nami: **$$

**Zoro: **I'm free!!

**Author: **Oh no you're not. Get back here! -grabs the back of Zoro and throws him into the forest, turning him into a bunny rabbit-

**Zoro: **…bugger.

The woodsman sighed and shook his head.

"Whatever you wish. I mean, if you think it's the only way." he replied. The woman nodded, glaring at her husband.

"Yes! If we don't, they'll eat us out of house and home! …wait, they've already done that. Scratch that then, they'll eat **us**!" she growled and then sighed, sinking into a small chair. The husband watched her.

"Very well. I will get rid of them then. I'll take them into the woods and tell them to wait until the next morning and I will return. But… I shall not return." and he sighed again.

**Ace and Luffy: **That's mean!!!

**Author: **That's the story kiddies.

**Usopp: **Well actually, there was this one time when I had to do this with one of my very beautiful-

**Author: **Usopp… shut up.

**Usopp: **-whimpers-

The next morning, the woodsman gave the children two slices of bread, one each, and then took them with him when he went to cut some wood.

"Stay out here in the middle of this dark, scary wood where lots of animals and horrible creatures will find you, and eat you… and I'll be back later. TTFN!" and then he ran away… very fast. Ace and Luffy looked at each other for a second before sighing.

"What do we do now?" Luffy asked, slumping to the ground and pulling at her pigtails. Ace shrugged.

"I dunno." he replied.

**Author: **-whispers- Ace… -points at the ground- you left a trail of breadcrumbs dumbass!

**Ace: **Hey, yeah!!! God I'm smart.

"But, I heard mum talking about getting rid of us last night, so I left a trail of breadcrumbs!" he announced. Luffy jumped up and grinned from ear to ear.

"Yay!" she cried.

**Sanji: **Heh, maybe Zoro should try that trick once in a while.

**Zoro: **I am above all this… taunting and teas- shit, what am I saying? Bastard! Go to hell! -wiggles his widdle fwuffy tail and hops away-

**Fangirls: **Awwwwwwwwwww…

**Author: **Yeah yeah, bugger off. Let's get on with the story shall we?

The two followed the crumbs, and finally found their way back to their home, which had now been constructed into a theme park.

"Well… that's an interesting development." Ace muttered, scratching the back of his head. Luffy grinned.

"COOOOOL!" and he bounded over.

The next day, after their stepmother had chucked a hissy about them coming home again, they were sent out with their father. Ace, once again, left a trail of breadcrumbs and they were left even deeper in the forest. Their father ran away like a little pansy and Luffy and Ace began following the breadcrumbs, but to their dismay, an evil pink bunny rabbit had begun eating them all.

"Stupid pink bunny rabbit thingy!" Luffy cried and tried to kick it.

**Zoro: **It was birds! Not me! -glares at Author-

**Author: **Dude, you're the one who messed with my story, so back off.

**Luffy: **XD Zoro's a bunny! -falls on the ground and rolls around laughing.

**Zoro: **-twitch, twitch-

"What do we do now?" Ace muttered as he sat on a rock and leaned against a tree.

"Well… maybe we could go and eat that huge gingerbread house that appeared out of nowhere!" Luffy replied. Ace looked up.

"Now you're talkin'!" and the two ran over to the house and began munching on it's sides. Soon, a blonde, older lady came wandering out of the door and she looked at the two eating her house in wonder.

"Oh, my house!" she cried. Luffy paused.

"Hey Ace, who's this Sheila?" he asked.

"Luffy, we're not Australian, we do not use that term. I'm sorry young lady, my sister and I did not mean to eat your house. We were just, so hungry-"

"Ah save it. Just come inside and I'll cook you something."

**Author: **-warningly- Sanji…

**Zoro: **Watch it, she'll turn you into a bunny rabbit.

**Author: **No, I just like picking on you Zoro. -laughs evilly-

**Zoro: **Figures…

**Sanji: **Ha ha!

So the two children were taken inside, where they met a little reindeer who shied away from them and hid in the corner.

"Hey! Is that venison?" Luffy cried, almost drooling.

"Meep!" and the reindeer disappeared.

"Please do not scare my assistant, it makes the meat tough when he is afraid." the old woman insisted.

**Chopper: **Okay! Enough with the venison jokes!

**Sanji: **But… seriously, you would make a good meal Chopper.

**Luffy: **-tongue lolls- meeeeeeaaaat…

**Chopper: **-whimper-

"We are sorry, and might I say that you look very young under this light." Ace commented.

**Sanji: **Quit it Ace! That's just freaking me out!

**Ace: **-chuckles- sorry. It's just fun to see how you react.

**Sanji: **…right.

**Author: **We'll just leave that right there. -laughs nervously-

**Whole group: **What do you care? You write ZoLu and other pairings like this, all the time!

**Author:** Yes, well, this isn't supposed to be a pairing situation.

**Group: **You're making it seem like it is.

**Author: **Leave me the hell alone! Just play your damn parts! -frowns and stalks off indignantly-

The old woman turned and frowned at Ace.

"Flattery will get you no where. Now eat this." and she laid a plate in front of them. Laden with all sorts of goodies and stuff. The venison soon-

**Chopper: **Quit it!

**Author: **Naww, he's so cute when he's angry! X3

The reindeer soon returned and he cautiously snuck up to them.

"Hi, I'm Chopper." he announced. Luffy drooled at the reindeer until Ace shoved his little sister and greeted the reindeer politely.

"Ha, ha! Now I have you all in my trap!" and suddenly, the whole beautiful kitchen transformed into… something really scary. Like, something out of Underworld, or Van Helsing. Yeah, something like that.

**Zoro: **Is that all you do? Sit in your room and watch DVD's?

**Author: **Hmm, no. I sometimes go upstairs into the lounge room and watch DVD's. -grin-

**Zoro: **You really are a sad human being.

**Author: **Oh shut up!

The two children and Chopper were trapped inside a steel cage. Luffy tried to chew his way through the bars, but, Ace told him that if he did that, then it would ruin the rest of the story. So Luffy stopped. The evil witch, who was now as ugly as sin-

**Sanji: **Hey!

**Zoro: **Ha! Finally, some truth to this story!

**Sanji: **-glares-

…moved over to a large pot and began stirring the broth inside.

**Sanji: **Wait, wait, wait. Aren't they cooked in an oven or something?

**Author: **Meh, who cares? Minor detail.

"Ah, now, fly my pretties, fly! Ahahahahaha!"

**Readers: **Wrong story damnit!

**Author: **…oh. Whoopsie daisy!

**Straw hat crew: **XD The author messed up!

**Author: **-dark glare-

**Straw hat crew: **-whimper-

"Now, I shall have a feast. You there, the skinny one! Dude, you'll make some good stew bones. You there, the sexy one-

**Ace and Sanji: **CUT THAT OUT!!!

**Author: **Oh darn. I was having fun.

"…get in the pot. And the venison, you too." but when the evil old witch turned her back on them, both the ven- I mean, Chopper, and Ace, pushed the bit- I mean, witch, into the boiling pot.

"I'm melting!" she cried.

**Readers: **Wrong show… again.

**Author: **Hmm…

"We're off to see the wizard!"

**Readers: **Try again.

**Author: **Hmm…

"OMG WTF!"

**Readers: **Better.

**Author: **-grin-

And so, the three escaped, kicked the pink rabbit, and became runaways at the circus. Why? Because they wanted to. The end.

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**Next time on - One Piece's messed up fairy tales**

**The ugly duckling**

**Smoker: **Are you kidding me? I am not playing a duckling!

**Ace: **You sure are ugly enough to. -grins-

**Smoker: **You just watch it Portgas. I may be under the Author's control, but, as soon as we are back in our own show, you're going down.

**Ace: **XP

**Straw hats: **What about us?

**Author: **Luffy will be the mother duck.

**Luffy: **Yay!

**Author: **At least someone's proud to have me put them in female roles.

**Luffy: **I just wanna be a duck.

**Author: **ooookay. Father duck will be Shanks.

**Shanks: **Ooh, another cameo. Yay me!

**Author: **Most important duck of them all… Zoro.

**Zoro: **Am I a male this time? -crosses arms and glares-

**Author: **Uh huh, but you only have about three lines. Oh, the important duck is actually a female, but, it's my story, so yeah…

**  
Zoro: **Whoopee.

**Author: **Random wild ducks will be played by… hmm, Kuro and Buggy.

**Kuro: **This is degrading.

**Buggy: **Is that a comment about the fact that a duck's nose is large, and so is mine?

**Author: **Hmm… no comment. Random goose is Nami.

**Nami: **… meh.

**Author: **The Dog will be Sanji. Cos he's had enough lines. The old woman, the hen and the tom cat. Hmm. Robin is the tom cat. The hen is Chopper. And the old woman is Ace. And I don't wanna hear any complaints, cos I am trying to get through these all. Please hold them until the end. Farmer will be… deleted from the story, cos I don't think he has any relevance. Swan will be Usopp!

**Usopp: **Oh? Yay! I get to be beautiful!… but, I am a guy right?

**Author: **Yep! So join in next time, and see Smoker get kicked around like a rag doll!

**Smoker: **grrr…

----The end----


	4. The ugly duckling

**Hey everyone! Just like to remind you that these fairy tales are totally... upside down. So, if I mix them up or turn them around, it's how it's supposed to be. Okay? These are also usually done when I'm on a natural high that is caused by too much laughing, running around or me just generally being an idiot. **

**Sorry they take so long, but, they were only ever meant to be writing block killers... and if I don't have writer's block, then, well, they arent going to be written... are they? So, I'm truly, honestly sorry for making you wait for these but, I don't want to post something that's really stupid... wait, scratch that, and put in 'that's crap'. Basically. Ok? Please don't be offended, I am only meaning this as an explanation. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece, The Ugly Duckling, or anything else in this story. **

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_**The Ugly Duckling**_

Once, there lived a mother duck and a father duck, on a little bank beside a pretty little pond.

**Author: **Aww, how sweet. You know, I think I did well with that sentence. Don't you?

**Nami: **Please, can we just get on with the story. I'm getting a headache.

Anyway, for some reason unbeknownst to the author, the mother duck laid an egg that was twice the size of her normal ones.

**Luffy: **Ooh, that smarts.

**Shanks: **I'm glad I'm the father duck. -grin-

**Crickets: **-chirp-

Well, it came the day for the eggs to hatch and both the mother and father duck were off getting their beaks done.

**Zoro: **You know, you have a very strange and weird sense of humour.

**Author: **Thankyou very much. That's the only nice thing you've said to me.

**Zoro: **-sweat drop- it wasn't meant as a compliment.

**Author: **Meh!

When the two ducks returned, they found that their eggs had hatched, and tiny little balls of fluff were running in circles everywhere. Aka, baby ducks. There was a larger, thicker and more gangly 'duck' running amongst them. It stopped and looked up at the mother duck, who blinked back at it.

"Well, if he isn't the ugliest damn duck I've ever seen." the father duck commented. The mother duck dissolved into laughter and rolled around on the ground for a while until finally getting up again.

**Smoker: **You want me to play this part? Then tell the story right!

**Author: **Dude, did you not read the title of this segment? It's 'messed up' fairy tales.

**Smoker: **I don't give a damn. If you don't make this work, I'll arrest you!

**Author: **-looks sceptical- dude… I'm the author of this current story. I do not exist in your world. You cannot arrest me! -dances around Smoker and pokes her tongue out-

**Zoro: **Marine, just shut up. You won't win. She's typing our sentences.

**Author: **Exactly! -grins triumphantly-

**Smoker: **-growl-

"Why am I so ugly?" the little duck asked. The mother duck shrugged and looked to the father duck.

"Beats the hell outta me." the father duck replied which caused the Mother duck to turn back to the ugly duckling again.

"There you go." and then the mother duck waddled away to play with her other more cute ducklings. And then the ugly duckling saw a tall, important looking male duck walking towards him. The duck paused upon seeing him and then leaned right down and glared at the ugly duckling.

"Well, you're the ugliest damn thing I've ever seen." the important duck said.

**Zoro: **Ahahaha! And the best thing about this is, Smoker can't do anything about it! -laughs-

**Smoker: **-growls- he's right.

**Author: **XD

"Why am I so ugly?" the ugly duckling asked. The important duck shrugged.

"Because you're ugly. Nothing anyone can do about it." and he walked off again, leaving the little duckling to look miserable. So the ugly duckling decided, 'Hey, why not run away and join the circus if I'm so ugly?' Well, thought the little duckling, wasn't that just a dandy idea. He could be an attraction in the main arena, or he could be… something else. Actually, he really wasn't sure what went on at a circus. Meh. Who cared, as long as he was away from all these people who thought he was so damn ugly.

**Smoker: **Enough with the ugly jokes!

**Author: **Hey, dude, I'm just telling the truth… and the truth hurts. -wink-

**Smoker: **Oh fuck off…

**Zoro, Sanji, Luffy, Nami: **Uh-oh…

**Author: **-smiles at Audience- hello there, I would like to remind you that you should not try this at home. -slaps Smoker around the face and then throws him back into the story-

So the little ugly, strange looking, grey, bald in spots, odd duckling, fluttered for miles and miles (actually, he only fluttered for a few meters) until he came to a moor.

**Luffy: **What's a moor?

**Author: **-shrugs- beats me. I read it in the book.

**Zoro: **…isn't there like… spellcheck or something on this thing?

**Author: **What? The computer? How the hell do you know that!?

**Zoro: **Because currently, we are on your computer…

**Luffy and Usopp: **Ooooh. Good comeback.

**Nami: **This story is never going to be finished, and I am never going to get paid! -throws hands into the air and stalks off into a corner-

**Sanji: **Zoro, stop being a smart ass and just let the author continue.

**Zoro: **Fuck you, asshole.

**Author: **Shut the hell up the pair of you, or you'll both be princesses in the next story.

**Sanji, Zoro: **-gulp-

So, anyway, the duckling ended up near the moor where he met two wild ducks that were swimming in the water.

"Hey! Do either of you know where this road goes?" the ugly duckling called, hoping they wouldn't be able to see him in his ugliness. One of the ducks spun around, wings flapping angrily.

"What did you say about my nose!?"

"Oh shut up you idiot. Can't you see that ugly thing is lost?" the other duck snapped. The ugly duckling watched as they swam over, the first duck still steaming apparent remark about his nose.

"I have no idea where this road goes…" the second duck said, looking the ugly duckling up and down, "but you aren't rich by any chance?"

"No…" the ugly duck replied.

**Kuro: **I object to that. I am not a money grubbing pirate.

**Everyone else in the world: **Yes, you are.

**Kuro: **I'm going to kill you all.

**Luffy: **Not if I kick your ass!

**Zoro, Sanji, Nami, Usopp, Chopper, Robin, Ace and Author: **…again.

**Luffy: **-whispers to Zoro- Who is he?

**Kuro: **I believe I am offended. -turns away angrily-

"What do you think of my nose? Surely it is not as ugly as you are!" the first duck cried, laughing like a maniac.

"No. It's not." the ugly duckling conceded, "It's just really big." and the first duck stopped. The second duck gave a short quack of laughter before flying off. The first duck gave the ugly duckling a stony glare while the ugly duckling stared back, not really caring.

**Luffy: **Well, your nose is rather big… and fake looking, Buggy.

**Author: **Heh, I agree.

**Buggy: **Stop talking about my nose!!

**Smoker: **…You're all idiots.

**Author: **Oi! Just get back to work already!

**Smoker: **Work!? You don't even pay me! I get better pay when I'm sitting in the middle of the ocean, twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the straw hat brat to show up!

**Zoro: **…Someone has some anger issues.

**Luffy: **-giggle-

Well, after the ugly duckling had wandered off, leaving the duck with the fake looking beak to try and drown himself (because, apparently, swimming wasn't something he was good at, him being a duck and all), the ugly duckling now found himself facing a rather large bird he had never seen before. She was tall, long necked… and hissed at him.

**Nami: **I do not hiss! -puts hands on her hips-

**Zoro, Usopp, Luffy: **Che, right.

**Nami: **-death glare-

**Zoro, Usopp, Luffy: **…mummy.

The goose, (as she announced herself) stood proudly above the little duckling.

"You're an ugly little thing, aren't you?" she asked. The duckling backed away from her and then quailed on the ground. This goose hissed, and she was scary beyond belief.

**Nami: **This is getting ridiculous. -sighs-

The little duckling moved away from her, and then turned to run, shaking his tail as he went. The goose cracked up, laughing so hard that she fell over and flapped her wings about.

**Smoker: **What's so funny?

**Nami: **-still laughing- look in a …mirror! -laughs some more-

**Smoker: **-goes to look-

**Author: **-smirks- three… two… one…

**Smoker: **MY ASS IS FLUFFY!?!?

**Every character from the One Piece world: **-cracks up laughing-

**Author: **-crosses arms and smirks happily- it had to be done. Sorry. -shrugs-

Offended, the duckling ran and ran until he was stopped by a large dog. It's hackles were raised.

"Back off barky, I'm on my way to Emerald city, and if I don't fall asleep in the poppies, I'll never get to see my Aunty Em again! ." the duckling cried. The dog blinked.

"Err..." the dog noised.

**Everyone: **-pulls out their scripts- that's not right!

**Sanji: **Umm… I'm supposed to bark and chase Smoker down a hill until he has a near death experience… right?

**Smoker: **Why the hell wasn't I told about that!?

**Zoro: **Because you're unimportant. -smirks-

**Luffy: **I'm hungry.

**Author: **Shut! Up! -takes a deep breath and turns to Nami- if you don't stop meddling with these stories, I'm going to not pay you.

**Nami: **-gasp- but I didn't do it! It was Usopp!

**Author: **-glares at the marksman-

The dog barked and snapped at the duckling's neck, chasing him down the hill and making the duckling fly head over heels and nearly break it's poor little neck on a large rock at the bottom of the hill. The duckling was not only ugly, but apparently it was lucky.

**Author: **Actually, I just can't make Smoker die. I've tried to throw him off a cliff, drown him, hit him with a rock and smother him in teddy bear stuffing, but nothing works. -shrugs-

**Zoro: **Have you tried blowing him away with a fan?

**Luffy: **Ooh! I can make a pinwheel with my arms!

**Author: **Perfect! Now… where's he gone? -looks around-

Grass was cold against his feet as the duckling walked towards the cottage.

"Oh my my, look my dear friend, lunch has walked into our midst." a large, black cat was sitting on a post.

"Lunch!??" a voice cried and suddenly the mother duck was there.

**Usopp: **The hell!? Luffy! Go back to the barnyard where you're supposed to be! This is Chopper's cameo!

**Luffy: **Nawww… I'm hungry but!

**Author: **Go home!

**Luffy: **-sighs and slinks home again-

**Author: **-sighs again- Pest…

Out of the darkness of the cottage beside the cat, a hen came flapping and clucking wildly, scaring the duckling practically senseless.

"You can't eat any more cat!" the hen cried, flapping her wings around.

**Usopp: **Hen's… are girl chickens?

**Chopper: **Of course baka! Didn't you know that!?

**Usopp: **O-of course I did! I was just testing your knowledge! The great Usopp-

**Author: **-pushes the fast forward button-

**Usopp: **-high squeaky voice-

**Chopper: **Uwaaaa!

**Author: **Okay. -pushes play button-

**Usopp and Chopper: **-puff and pant- that was exhausting…

The cat jumped down from the post, landing lightly before the duckling and sniffing it experimentally.

"Oh owner-san!" the cat meowed. The hen clucked some more and ran in another circle until she ran into a wall, and fell back unconscious.

**Usopp: **owww… I think I you overdid it Chopper…

**Straw hat crew: **-nods-

**Zoro: **-looks at Robin- aren't you annoyed at being involved in this?

**Robin: **-blinks and then shakes her head slowly- no, because I have been given suitable roles, thankyou swordsman-san.

**Sanji: **Robin-chwan is so wonderful when she's-

**Zoro: **-idly kicks Sanji out of the way before frowning at Robin, arms crossed- so why do you get suitable roles, and I don't?

**Author: **-tiptoes away in the background-

Living in the little cottage was a withered old lady. She was trying to light a stove, but the matches kept blowing out mysteriously as she tried to light the obstinate thing.

**Smoker: **-chuckles evilly in the corner-

**Ace: **…you're a sad, miserable, and lonely bastard…

**Luffy and Zoro: **-appear in background and nod in serious approval before sliding off screen again-

**Author: **-scratches head and looks after them- how… how'd they do that?

The fire finally lit itself-

**Ace: **-winks- it's good to be me sometimes…

-and the old lady smiled as she leant back and then saw her cat walking in. The cat meowed once and the lady blinked.

"What? Jimmy's caught in the well?" she asked. The cat meowed again, "Yellow and blue make green?" the cat hissed, "Ooohhh, there's a random ugly little duckling standing outside and nearly dying of a heartattack because you threatened to eat him. I get it now." and the old woman walked to the door and peered out. The hen was still racing around, flapping crazily and throwing feathers everywhere until the old woman tripped her up and she went flying through the air to land.

"Well, it's been real, but, I have a swan to catch." and the duckling ran away. The old woman blinked and then towered over the cat and the hen.

"That was my lunch!" and she dragged them inside.

The duckling ran for ages, slept in expensive hotels, drank perfectly procured wine-

**Author: **I don't think I'm even in control of this story anymore. -throws hands in the air and walks off-

**Usopp: **-appears and looks around- wow… so this is what it's like to be Author. Hey… what's this picture of Zoro doing here??

**Author: **-runs back and steals it- he's my favourite, so sue me! -stalks off-

**Usopp: **O.o

**Zoro: **-thinks for a moment- so why am I constantly put through hell? -shakes head-

It took a whole winter for the duckling to travel around and see the world, but when he came home again, it was to find that swans had taken up residence in his moor.

"Oi!" he called. The swan paused and looked up before tilting it's head.

"You look like me." the swan said. The duckling paused and then a panic stricken look came to his face.

"Oh dear lord! No wonder everyone calls me ugly!"

**Author: **-mwahahaha- That's the end!

**Smoker: **Thank god for that.

**Author: **Bye bye Smokie, you've been a pain in my butt, but hey! You were a good fluffy, ugly duckling.

**Smoker: **-grumbles and hurries away, back to his Marine ship. Sails away.-

**Straw hats: **What!?! How come he gets to leave?

**Author: **Because so far, he's had the most humiliating role. But don't worry, someone else will get it next time… -laughs evilly-

**Everyone: **Oh no…

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**Next time on - One Piece's Messed up Fairy Tales!**

**Cinderella**

**Author: **Oh, this is gonna be good. Okay! Casting time! Zoro, you're-

**Zoro: **Cinderella… -sighs miserably- I hate my life.

**Author: **Exactly! Luffy! You're the Fairy Godmother! You get a wand! -hands a wand with a star on it to Luffy-

**Luffy: **-looks at it in awe before waving it… and turning Usopp into a pumpkin coach- COOOL!

**Author: **-blinks- Usopp's the pumpkin carriage. -grin- Nami and Robin are the-

**Nami: **Don't you dare…

**Author: **Ugly stepsisters! -laughs-

**Nami: **I hate this…When do we get to go back to our world! Damn, even a ZoLu story would be better than this!

**Luffy and Zoro: **-tower over Nami, shadows appearing over their eyes while stars glint in them- What was that?

**Nami: **-gulps- n-nothing.

**Author: **Actually… a ZoLu story wouldn't be bad right about now… -looks around-

**Luffy and Zoro: **What!??

**Author: **-chuckles- kidding. Okay, the wicked stepmother will be Kuro!

**Kuro: **This is a disgrace. I will not be partial to this.

**Author: **You have no choice... -laughs evilly-

**Robin: **-smiles- a very nice role, it suits him.

**Author: **it's nice to have people agree with me for once. -nods- And now, the time you've all been waiting for! The revelation of Prince Charming! He's swirly eyebrowed, he's blonde headed, he's got an ego the size of my bedroom! Sanji!

**Zoro: **O.O -dies-

**Author: **-bends down over Zoro and prods him- hey… you awake?

**Sanji: **I accept the offer… apart from the fact that I am now way in hell kissing that marimo headed bastard!

**Zoro: **-sits up- and I'm not dancing with him goddamnit!

**Author: **-shrugs- Sorry, that's how the rubber boy bounces. -throws Luffy over her shoulder-

**-In secret, the One Piece characters plot to overthrow the Author… but, little do they know, that the Author is actually typing this sentence right now.-**

**Zoro: **So… you know huh?

**Author: **duh…

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**Erm... don't ask. I ate raw milo mixed with sugar, but the high didn't kick in until I was at the end of this story. -nervous laugh- Sorry! -waves a hand in the air- **


	5. Cinderella

**Aha! Finally got it done! Sorry for the wait. I don't know what I was on when I wrote this but... well, just see for yourself. **

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_**Cinderella**_

Once upon a… Ah, you know the rest. There was a chick living in a house that was ruled over by her evil stepmother, Kuro! She had two wicked stepsisters as well by the name of Nami, and Robin.

**Kuro: **I hate my life…

**Author: **Kekekekeke…

The girl's name was Cinderella, but most people just called her Zoey.

**Zoro: **Oh that is sad…

**Author: **-shrugs- I apologise to all people named Zoey! Shut up Zoro, you're annoying me. Besides, Zoerella was a little hard to say. -smirk- Go on, try it! Say it five times fast and I assure you that you'll get tongue tied.

**Sanji: **-eyes narrow and smirks- yeah… Zoey.

**Zoro: **I'm going to get you for this. -glares at author-

She was tall, and strong, and meek, but, she kept the house running for her evil family members. Basically, she was a wimp. She was called Cinderella because of her raggy clothes, and dirty apron. Most people called her Zoey, because… well, they felt like it. Hey, it was easier shouting 'Zoey! Zoey!' than it was 'Cinderella! Cinderella!', so that was probably the reason. Anyway. Living in a high castle that overshadowed the town, was a handsome prince that all the girls, young and old, adored.

**Sanji: **Woot!

**Zoro: **-sticks his tongue out in disgust-

**Luffy: **I wanna do some MAGIC! -bounces excitedly-

**Author: **Wait your turn, damn it! And by the way, I am now laughing at all the people who said Zoerella five times fast. Ha ha! Twits. XP

Sometimes, on the bright spring days, he would ride down and through the town to 'visit the peasants' as it were.

**Sanji: **Damn straight. -smirks-

**Author: **If you don't stop interrupting, I am going to cast someone else as the prince and you will become a frog, savvy?

**Sanji: **err… o-okay. -gulps a little nervously-

**Usopp: **Why don't you just tell the author off?

**Author: **-smirks- because I'm a girl, and he won't say mean things to a girl. -laughs maniacally-

**Zoro: **That's his own fault for being weak… -smirks-

**Readers: **Err… sorry to interrupt, but, can we get on with the STORY!? -frown-

The queen, who shall go unnamed, demanded that her son be married. The son, Prince Charmji-

**Sanji: **WTF!?

**Zoro: **-rolls around laughing- That's worse than Zoey! -laughs harder-

**Author: **-snigger- I'm sorry Sanji. -smirk- Actually… no I'm not. -laughs like a maniac-

-didn't want to be married, and tried to escape it for as long as possible… but unfortunately, he had to acquiesce to his mother's request.

**Author: **Yeah, been watching Pirates of the Caribbean WAY too much. (I don't own it by the way!)

So, to find the perfect bride, Prince Charmji invited all the princesses, and all the women in the town to a wonderful ball that was in honour of his nineteenth birthday. The sad thing was, he decorated the whole hall in pink lovehearts and what not… so his mother decked him and redecorated it properly.

**Sanji: **O.o what the hell are you on about?

**Author: **-shrugs and laughs- I honestly have no idea. My fingers are typing without my brain helping. -laughs-

**Strawhats, Kuro: **That's obvious…

**Author: **Hmph! I believe I am offended! ...Meh!

After sending out all the invitations, the Prince waited for the responses.

Back at Zoey's house, there was a knock on the door and the slave girl moved to answer.

"Yeah, the hell do you want?" she asked as she answered the door.

**Author: **Zoro… you're doing it again.

**Zoro: **If I have to be called Zoey, I'm gonna damn well be grouchy about it! So back off!

**Author: **I toned down your dress later in this story, but for that crack, it's going to be hot pink, and so frilly that no one's going to be able to look at you for laughing… -frowns-

**Zoro: **-blink- shit... I think I just fucked up…

**Author: **-nods- I think so too.

"Here's a message for you, ma'am. It's from the prince himself." the messenger replied with a small smile as he handed over a pink letter. Zoey blinked at it and then her eyes widened as three squeals were heard and she was thrown backwards away from the messenger and then tackled as three forms scrabbled to get the letter.

**Robin: **Hmm… how very out of character for me…

**Nami: **We're ALL out of character Robin. Believe me.

**Author: **-shrugs- it's a messed up story, so the characters are messed up too.

**Kuro: **If I did not make it abundantly clear the first time I said this, then I will say it again… I hate my life…

**Author: **-snicker-

The three squealing… creatures, backed away from Zoey as the stepmother held the pink letter in her hands. Zoey was dazed on the floor, and the messenger had made a run for it, fearing for his life.

"My dears!" the stepmother breathed, "This is your opportunity to get married, be rich and never have to mooch off me again! I can mooch off you instead!" Both of her daughters looked up at her and raised their eyebrows.

"Oookay." they said before turning back to the letter, "Oh, the prince is so handsome! We'll get to dance!"

"And wear pretty dresses!"

"And get money!" the orange haired daughter Nami, squeaked as she sighed.

"And see a beautiful, ancient castle!" the black haired daughter, Robin, breathed in awe.

**Author: **Nami! Robin! Kuro! Cut. It. OUT!

**Sanji: **-floats past, hearts in his eyes- Mellorine! Nami-swaan and Robin-chwaaan think I'm handsome! -faints-

**Nami: **-rolls her eyes at Sanji-

**Robin: **-sighs and shakes her head-

Both daughters were in a daze of happiness while the stepmother was thinking about how she could turn this to her advantage. Money… riches… that was all she was interested in.

"Oi! You two! Go up to your rooms right this minute. Whats your face… umm… oh yeah, Zoey! Get up to your box in the corner of the attic!"

"Of course mother!" all three squeaked and ran up the stairs, Nami pausing to shove Zoey back down the stairs again before cackling and running up to the top. Zoey blinked and then miserably made her way up again.

That night, the stepmother hired a tailor that made a beautiful orange dress for Nami, and a sleek, dark blue one for Robin. Both girls were very pleased, and could not wait for tomorrow night to come. Zoey was reduced to sitting in the box in her corner and wondering why the hell they wanted to go to a stupid ball, with some weird prince. She had never seen him before, and therefore didn't know if he was handsome or not.

**Usopp: **Didn't… Cinderella cry and stuff cos she couldn't go _to _the ball?

**Author: **Mhm. But Zoro made me a deal. If he stops complaining, I'll make it that he didn't want to go to the ball at all. -grin- but I never agreed to not _make _him go to the ball. -laughs evilly-

**Luffy: **When do I come in? I wanna say Bibbidy Bobbidy boo!

**Strawhats, Author, Kuro: **You are such a freak…

The next day passed with Nami and Robin taunting Zoey about not being able to go to the ball, and calling her Cinderella. Zoey didn't care. She didn't want to go anyway. Though she did 'accidentally' put soot on Nami's dress.

**Nami: **There was no accident about it! -crosses arms and taps her foot-

**Zoro: **-sniggers before shrugging- oops?

**Nami: **-glares darkly-

**Author: **Quit it you two. On with the story! We haven't even gotten to the best part yet! Mwaha!

Finally, the night of the ball came and Nami, Robin and the evil stepmother, Kuro, set out for the castle. A carriage came and picked them up, and they were taken away. Sighing in relief, Zoey walked out into the back yard. It was quiet, and from a distance she could see the bright lights that lit up the castle, and the line of carriages that went down the road in the light of the slowly setting sun.

"Thank goodness I'm not going to that place." Zoey muttered as she leaned against a tree.

"Did I hear someone say 'ball'?" a voice cried from nowhere. Zoey blinked as she looked around.

"Nope."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Positive?"

"Hell yeah."

"Not even dress?"

"Nope. Sorry."

**Luffy:** Author! Zoro's messing with the script agaiiin!

**Author: **Nope, that's me. -laughs manically once again-

**Zoro: **I like it! I don't have to go to the stupid ball! -laughs as well-

**Author: **I never said that…

**Zoro: **Damn... --;

A tall person in a black suit appeared, a top hat on his head and a bow tie around his throat while a black mask covered his eyes.

**Luffy: **Erm… aren't I supposed to be a fairy god_mother? _And _why _do I look like Sanji!?

**Author: **Nah, I'm changing it. -nods- Plus, you look funnier in a suit and top hat than a dress. -snigger-In NO way do you look like Sanji, man.

**Luffy: **-frown- meh…

"Who in the name of Louisiana, are you?" Zoey asked, looking the man up and down. A wide grin spread across the man's face as wings unfolded from his back, almost transparent in the dark. He pulled a long cane with a gold ball on top, out from behind his back and pressed the tip into the dirt in front of his shoes.

"I'm your fairy godfather, Luffy." and he winked. Zoey raised an eyebrow.

"Oookay. What are you doing here?" Zoey asked, crossing her arms. Placing both white gloved hands on the gold ball topped cane, Luffy chuckled.

"I'm here, to send you to the ball." he explained. Zoey's eyes widened.

"But… I don't want to go." he responded. Luffy frowned and in a quick movement, threw the cane into the air, caught it and then whacked the hard gold ball into the side of Zoey's head before smirking a little.

**Author: **Ahahaha! This is fun!

**Zoro: **glad someone thinks it is… -mutters vehemently as he rubs his head-

**Luffy: **-laughs- this is awesome!

"Don't talk such idiocy. Now, what would you like to wear? Nothing?" and he spun the cane between two fingers, "Or a dress?"

"I'm not going!" Zoey growled and was once again whacked in the head. Diving at the fairy godfather, Zoey was surprised as he disappeared and then reappeared behind him again. Luffy laughed before poking the sharp end of the cane into Zoey's back gently.

"You want to go. I'm out of a job if you don't, so you're going." and he chuckled. Zoey sighed, knowing she was defeated.

"A dress."

"Fantasmalastic!" Luffy cried, leaping over Zoey and landing in front of her.

**Author: **Hope you don't mind me using your word there Clarobell! -grin- It's such a good word.

**Luffy: **I like it! Can I use it more often?

**Clarobell: **Of course you can!

**Luffy: **Really?

**Clarobell: **No.

With a spin of his cane, Luffy transformed Zoey into… a chicken.

"Gah!?!?" Luffy cried, grabbing his head before pulling a book out from behind his back. Quickly checking it, he sighed, "I was supposed to turn it counter-clockwise, not clockwise. Two turns to the left, one to the right, not two or I'll turn her into a... WHOA." and he shook his head before spinning the cane again and transforming Zoey into a monkey.

"Hn..." Luffy muttered, scratching his head, "Try this." He spun his cane again, and transformed Zoey into a dragon, bear, emperor-

**Kuzco: **Boo bam, baby!!

**Author: **Oi! You're not even in this, get lost!

**Kuzco: **But I'm the Emperor. I'm in everything.

**Author: **Grr... -eye twitch-

**Kuzco: **You okay? You look like you have an eye problem or something...

**Author: **Zoro, do you mind?

**Zoro: **... Deal with it yourself.

**Author: **I hate you all... --''

-Gollum -

"Precioussss!!"

"Definitely not." Luffy muttered, spinning his cane again. FINALLY, he managed to transform Zoey into a glittering princess. She wore a white mask similar to Luffy's over her eyes, and was wearing a white dress.

**Author: **You're lucky Zoro. I decided to be nice.

**Zoro: **I'm… in a dress. HOW is that NICE!? And you just had me turned into at least twenty things!

**Author: **-frowns- I COULD have made it frilly and pink ya know! As to the twenty things... Yeah, that had to be done.

"Wow…" Zoey noised as she looked down and saw white gloves adorning her hands, a glittering white dress with tiny diamonds sewn into it and a pair of thongs on her feet.

**Zoro: **Thongs?

**Robin: **I believe that it is meant to be glass slippers author-san.

**Author: **Hey, my story, I do what I want. And he's wearing thongs! -mwahaha- (By the way, thongs in Australia are a type of shoe, not the underwear. So if you're cracking up right now cos you thought I said Zoey was wearing a thong… you're an idiot. I mean, how would I know if Zoey was wearing a thong?)

**Zoro: **Don't even go there, woman...

**Author: **Ooh, scawy.

Blinking down at herself, Zoey crossed her arms.

"How am I going to get there? Walk?" No way was she going to walk! She didn't even wanna go, for heck's sake!

"Hell no. Get out here Usopp!" Luffy called, looking over his shoulder and giving his wings a short flick. A pumpkin rolled out of the darkness and settled at Luffy's feet.

**Usopp: **I'm a pumpkin… -sighs- I hope Sanji doesn't try and cook me. -whimper-

**Luffy: **No. He's off at the ball with Nami right now. -jerks his head towards the fake castle behind him where Nami is trying to fend Sanji off with a shoe-

Spinning his cane again, the pumpkin swelled and swelled until it was the size of a carriage and was as white as the dress Zoey was wearing. A large reindeer stood at the front of the carriage and tapped his hooves impatiently against the ground.

**Chopper: **Yay! A cameo! -wiggles-

**Usopp: **You're pulling me around… and you're happy about that?

**Chopper: **I get to drag you through dirt. -laughs- ...wait, what? -blink-

**Author: **-laughs maniacally- That sounded so stupid that I don't even know why I'm laughing. -dies-

**Chopper: **-sticks his tongue out-

Luffy grinned widely and once again pressed the sharp end of the cane into the dirt and placed both white gloved hands on the gold ball at the top. Leaning forward until he was almost right in Zoey's face, Luffy smiled.

"Now, go and find your true love! Because if you don't…" he frowned, "I'll come back and EAT you." With that, Luffy grinned again, and leant back, spinning his cane between two fingers.

"Whatever." Zoey responded, rolling her eyes, "Wait... eat me? What the!?"

"Oh, by the way, you only have like… until twelve before this spell thing wears off. And twelve is only… oh… half an hour away! Well, would you look at that! What a coincidink." and he chuckled as he shrugged.

"Aren't you coming?" Zoey asked. Luffy laughed loudly.

"What are you? Nuts!?" and he laughed some more as he disappeared with a short pop. Zoey blinked and then looked at the carriage before getting in and grabbing onto the seat as the reindeer took off. It took no time for them to reach the castle, but when they did, they had to pay the toll to get in because they were late. Once that had been done, and the reindeer and Usopp the pumpkin had gone, Zoey made her way into the castle. Pausing at the top of the stairs that led down into the ball room, Zoey looked around and shrugged.

"Knew it wouldn't be good. Boring as hell." and she began moving down the stairs.

Dancing in the middle of the floor, was Prince Charmji and Nami. Despite the money she would get if she married this guy… she wished he would keep his hands to himself. Charmji was quite happily dancing with Nami before he turned and saw Zoey moving down the stairs.

"Be still my beating heart!" he cried.

**Sanji: **Oh dear LORD!

**Zoro: **Please, kill me now!

**Author: **-cackles like a mad thing-

Zoey paused upon hearing the cry and then her eyes widened as they came to rest on the blonde haired prince. There was a moment where they stared at each other before… Nami whacked Charmji around the head.

"Oi, you're marrying me so I can have your money!" she said bluntly.

**Sanji: **-is currently in a love faint-

**Nami: **…it's not real you idiot… --''

Charmji blinked back to reality before looking down at Nami, who frowned up at him. Zoey moved in amongst the people, yawning and feeling very out of sorts. She stepped on people's toes, kicked a few random people in the shin, knocked a poor waiter over because he brushed her shoulder and then decided that this party sucked, and she needed to go home. She turned around, only to come face to face with the prince.

"GAH!" both cried as they leapt backwards, before Charmji laughed and smirked a little.

**Zoro: **Gah is right… Ugly son of a bitch…

**Sanji: **You're no princess yourself, asshole…

**Author: **If you don't quit it right now, I will make you BOTH princesses in the next story.

**Zoro: **Whatever… -mutters- bitch…

**Author: **That rips it. Zoro, I was gonna let you off kissing Sanji, but for that crack, it's on.

**Zoro: **What did I do!?

**Sanji: **What did _I _do!? My lips are reserved only for the beautiful and charming Nami-swan!

**Nami: **You wish…

"My my, what a wonderful-

**Sanji: **TT

"-soul you are! And so beautiful! Let me lend you a hand, my dear." Holding said hand out, Charmji helped Zoey to her feet and smiled at her. To them, it was true love at first sight.

**Zoro: **I refuse to be a part of this ANY longer! I quit! -door slams-

**Everyone else: **-looks at one another, blinking quite stupidly.-

**Author: **Well… that's bad… O.O Who will I torture, humiliate, and generally annoy? … -turns to Sanji- Mwahaha.

**Sanji: **O.o err… I believe that is my cue to say... oh crap. --

At the precise moment that Charmji stared into what he knew to be his future queen's eyes, Zoey blushed-

**Zoro: **-from places unknown- I did not!!

-and ran from the scene, leaving behind her dress.

**Zoro: **-now standing naked in places unknown- Damn you!!

**Author: **Mwahaha. Don't mess with me. -smirk-

Charmji picked the dress up and blinked, looking it over and sighing.

"I wish I could find her again. I don't even know her name."

**Author: **It says Zoey on the nametag.

"She was so beautiful. If she is to be my future wife, I must find her and know her name!" Charmji cried, holding a fist up in determination.

**Author: **Are you retarded?

"I WILL find that beautiful girl again!" Charmji cried, before a sudden and unexpectedly harsh wind knocked the dress up into his arms, fluttering the name tag, "Oh. A nametag. Alas, I cannot read."

**Author: **… You're doing this purposely!

**Sanji: **I'm not stupid. -frowns- If I find 'Zoey' I have to marry 'her' and no way in hell am I marrying marimo. -crosses arms-

**Author: **…

**Sanji: **… … I'll just find Zoey now. -hurries away-

**Author: **Yeah, you do that. -frown-

So, the next day, Charmji set out to find the owner of the dress. He tried it on himself first, just to make sure he hadn't been dreaming and hadn't bought the dress himself. Why he would buy a dress, he didn't know. Possibly because he was a perverted, bored, lonely-

**Nami: **Hey… err, story?

**Author: **What? Oh, oh yeah.

**Luffy: **Hungryyyyyyyyyy!

**Everyone else: **Shut up!!

**Luffy: **-pouts-

-and he could have possibly done it on a whim. That wasn't the point right now. So, Prince Charmji and his horse travelled the country side, searching for the wondrous beauty. He found a girl that wouldn't talk. He found a funny black and red llama who claimed to be an emperor. A really big guy who was with a woman who was -- how would you describe her? -- scary beyond all reason. Yep, that was it. He found a princess wishing to marry a street rat who had a rather amusing blue genie. And he found a man who liked to manipulate magnetic forces and wanted to destroy the human race so mutants could be superior. He also found a funny looking pirate who was constantly drunk and continually asked him why the rum was gone, and then teased him about having a jar of dirt. Charmji left that situation in a rather big hurry.

**Author: **I do not claim to own any Disney characters(ie; (in order) Ariel, Kuzco, Kronk, Yzma, Jasmine, Aladdin, Genie and _**Captain **_Jack Sparrow) nor do I claim to own Magneto. I just think he's cool. X3 He belongs to... Marvel comics? I think. O.o

**Luffy: **… You're weird.

**Author: **Says the boy that stretches.

**Luffy: **… How's that work? O.o?

**Author: **Just… go eat something, will you?

**Luffy: **What? OH! Hungry!!

**Sanji: **I'll cook you something! -tries to run away-

**Author: **Sanji, sit! Stay, Sanji. -throws him a treat- Good Sanji! Now, finish the story and I will be nice.

**Sanji: **… You're evil. -sigh and sulk-

**Author: **Yeth, Yeth I am. -grin-

Finally, he came to the last house. Ironically, he couldn't find Zoey anywhere, and so, he began searching the place. The ugly sisters were nowhere in sight, and the stepmother was off having a house dropped on her in the land of Oz. Apparently, she brought an unlucky pair of ruby slippers. Anyway. Charmji searched and searched, but could find his love nowhere.

**Author: **Oh, Zorooo. Come out, come out, wherever you are! Or I'll make you naked in this scene! -smiles innocently-

**Zoro: **You wouldn't dare…

**Author: **Well I can't drag you out, can I? You're too damn strong. BUT, I have the power of literature! AND the power of being an Author! Which means, sadly for you my victim, you are the brunt of my bad jokes. -smirk-

**Zoro: **… I hate you. I really do.

**Author: **Awww, you're so cute when you're murderous. X3

**Zoro: **-- right…

After much searching, finally, Zoey appeared from the back of the house. Charmji's eyes lit up, and his mouth curved in a large-

**Sanji: **-bursts into tears-

-and bright smile.

"My LOVE!! There you are!!" and he ran and glomped her quite effectively. Zoey shrieked and fell over, before she realised who it was.

"Oh, Charmji!"

"Oh, Zoey!"

"Oh, Meat!"

**Author: **Damn it, Luffy!! Get lost!

**Luffy: **Well, I wanted to be in it SOMEwhere. And I'm hungry. -pouts-

"What was that?" Charmji asked, blinking. Zoey shrugged.

"Just my fairy godfather." she replied, before sighing, "It could never work between us. We're of two worlds!"

"Oh my dear, we'll make it work!"

**Author:** … You're scaring me… That's just really getting quite horrifying, I'm serious. OO

**Sanji and Zoro: **GOOD! Let us do what we want.

**Author: **… Ok! Go for it. Let's see what happens.

**Sanji and Zoro: **Really…?

**Author: **No.

"Get off me then!" Zoey frowned.

"Ahh, I'm so sorry!" Charmji returned.

"Oh yeah! I don't wanna marry you!"

"Why not, my dear?!"

"Because!" 

"Because, why?"

"I love you!"

**Zoro: **That was uncalled for!

**Author: **Blaaaah. Fine, I'll change the ending to shut you up.

**Sanji: **-dead-

**Zoro: **-shifty eyes. throws him overboard.-

**Luffy: **Ahhh!! The cook!! What'll we dooooo!?

**Usopp and Chopper: **-running in circles-

**Author: **-too busy rolling around laughing-

**Nami: **--''

"… What?" Charmji blinked.

"It was meant in a sarcastic sense!" Zoey glared, before she sighed and shoved Charmji away, "This isn't going to work." Charmji sighed as well.

"I know. I'm sorry to have bothered you." And with that, he ran away. The castle was without a king, and a wicked woman stepped in to take the crown instead, throwing the land into darkness and poverty.

**Nami: **I love my life. -grins-

**Author: **… -raises eyebrow- ooookay then.

And everyone lived miserably ever after, the end!

**Everyone: **Hoorah:D

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**Next time on One Piece's messed up fairy tales! **

**Author: **Next time, I have no idea what fairy tale I will be doing. SO, I'm gonna muck around with a movie instead! How does that sound? I was thinking of Lord of the rings, or Star Wars. But I need you guys to vote for one or the other. They will be messed up, the same as the fairy tales-

**Usopp: **She lies!

**Author: **Says the boy who looks like Pinocchio.

**Zoro: **Will we be our genders as per normal?

**Author: **… I suppose. Depending on which movie the people choose.

**Zoro: **… I vote for… One Piece!

**Luffy: **Where!?

**Zoro: **… Over there! -runs away with Luffy and escapes back to the OP world.-

**Author: **… cowards.

**Zoro: **What was that!? -runs back-

**Author: **… meat?

**Luffy: **WHA!? -runs back too-

**Author: **-locks the door behind them- Now I have you my pretties, Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha-cough- … what? O.o

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Vote peoples! You have to review to do that! And I'm REALLY sorry for the wait, I just wasn't in a funny mood for the last however long it took me to write this. ANYWAY! Hope it was funny. XD;; The beginning was a bit lame, but I liked the ending better. -nods- **REVIEW! Or I'll do the Australian war cry in your ear!!** "AUSSIE, AUSSIE, AUSSIE!!! OI, OI, OI!!" Scary, ain't it:D


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